Taming the Inner Critic: How to Stop Holding Yourself Back
- Dr. CK Bray
- Apr 3
- 2 min read
We all have that voice in our head that whispers, “You’re not good enough,” or reminds us of every awkward moment, mistake, and unfinished project. For some, it’s a constant companion, replaying past failures and predicting future ones. Why is our brain so quick to criticize but so slow to celebrate our wins? It turns out, that inner critic isn’t just being mean—it’s wired for survival. Neuroscience shows that our brains have a negativity bias, meaning we hold onto bad experiences more than good ones because, for our ancestors, remembering dangers helped keep them alive. But this survival mechanism has gone rogue in today's world, making us doubt ourselves, hesitate, and hold back.
Unfortunately, no one is immune to the inner critic. Over the years, I’ve interviewed more than 1,000 people, and only a handful have ever said they don’t struggle with self-doubt. I wish I were part of that rare group—but instead, I find myself in a constant battle with my own inner critic, a relentless force I call the demon over my shoulder, breathing fire on everything I want to accomplish.
The real problem isn’t that the inner critic exists—it’s that we believe everything it says. Psychologists call this cognitive distortion, where our minds twist reality into worst-case scenarios. "You always screw things up." "Everyone thinks you’re awkward." "You’re a failure." These thoughts feel real because our brain cherry-picks evidence to support them, ignoring the many times we got it right. Even some of the world’s most successful people, like Maya Angelou and Albert Einstein, admitted to feeling like frauds despite their achievements. The truth? Your inner critic isn’t reality—it’s just one version of the story. And the good news is, you have the power to rewrite it.
So how do you push back against self-doubt? You add another voice to the conversation. Instead of letting the critic run wild, pause and ask, "What’s the other side of this story?" If your brain says, "You’re terrible at relationships," remind yourself of the friendships you’ve nurtured. If it says, "You always fail," bring up the moments when you showed resilience. The brain thrives on patterns, and the more you challenge negative self-talk with real, specific evidence, the more your brain rewires itself to see a fuller, more balanced picture.
That inner critic may never disappear completely, but it doesn’t have to control you. There’s an old parable about a grandfather telling his grandson about two wolves inside every person—one that is full of fear, doubt, and negativity, and another that is full of confidence, kindness, and self-belief. When the grandson asks, “Which wolf wins?” the grandfather replies, “The one you feed.” Every time you choose to counter self-doubt with truth, every time you challenge your inner critic instead of accepting it, you’re feeding the right wolf. And that’s how you take back control.
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