Don't Be a Victim of Your Past
- Dr. CK Bray
- May 1
- 3 min read
"I saw something nasty in the woodshed!"
That’s the tormented refrain of Aunt Ada Doom in Cold Comfort Farm. As a child, she saw something so unsettling that, for sixty-nine years, she never left her room. The farm fell into ruin, the animals were barren, and the family believed they were cursed—all because of what Ada saw. Or thought she saw.
It sounds like fiction (because it is), but the truth is, we do this to ourselves all the time. We all have a “woodshed” moment—something painful or challenging that shaped us. But the question is: Are we still living in that story?
When We Get Stuck in the Past
Psychologist Martin Seligman coined the term learned helplessness after an experiment with dogs. He found that when they repeatedly faced adversity, they stopped trying to escape—even when they had a way out.
And humans? We do the same.
Viktor Frankl, the Holocaust survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, described how some prisoners—after being liberated—walked out of the concentration camps... then turned around and went back inside. They couldn’t imagine a different life.
Why? Because our brains aren’t just reporters; they’re prediction machines.
Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett explains that our brains don’t just take in the world as it is—they predict what will happen next based on our past.
If you’ve faced rejection, your brain says: “I’ll always be alone.”
If you’ve struggled financially, it predicts: “I’ll always be broke.”
If you’ve been hurt, it warns: “The world isn’t safe.”
But here’s the catch: Our predictions aren’t always true.
How to Break Free from the Story You’ve Been Telling Yourself
1. Ask "What?" Instead of "Why?"
Organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich found that highly self-aware people ask "what" instead of "why" when processing emotions.
🔹 Instead of “Why am I always so anxious?” → Ask, “What am I feeling right now?”
🔹 Instead of “Why is my life so hard?” → Ask, “What can I do to improve my situation?”
"Why" keeps you stuck in the past. "What" helps you move forward.
2. Take Radical Responsibility
Holocaust survivor Edith Eger said:
“Victimization comes from the outside. But victimhood? That comes from the inside.”
This doesn’t mean blaming yourself. It means recognizing that, while you can’t change the past, you can change what happens next.
Lisa Feldman Barrett puts it this way:
“Sometimes we’re responsible for things not because they’re our fault, but because we’re the only ones who can change them.”
Brenda Martinez, an elite runner, was about to qualify for the Olympics when another competitor tripped her from behind. She could have given up. Instead? She let it go, refocused, and later qualified in a different race.
She rewrote the story. And so can you.
Your Past Will Never Change—But You Can
At the end of Cold Comfort Farm, Aunt Ada finally steps out of her room. She brushes her hair, puts on her finest clothes, and flies to Paris.
She chose to move forward.
And you can, too.
Try This Today:
1. The next time you feel stuck, ask yourself "What can I do?" instead of "Why is this happening?"
2. Take one small action—no matter how tiny—that moves you toward change.
Because the past? It doesn’t have to define you.
It’s just a story. And you get to write the next chapter.
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