The Untapped Power of "Tell Them"

Dr. CK Bray
1 day ago
3 min read

I recently came across a simple idea that has stayed with me: if you think something positive about someone, tell them.

It sounds obvious. But pay attention for a day, and you will notice something. You have far more positive thoughts about people than you ever express. You notice when someone handles a situation well, when they show up prepared, when they make your job easier. And yet, most of those thoughts never leave your head.

The gap is not awareness. It is action.

I saw this firsthand while watching a leader navigate a tense conversation. He slowed things down, listened, and reframed the discussion in a way that shifted the room. It was effective. You could feel it. I remember thinking, " That’s exactly how that should be done." And then I moved on. Later, I went back and told him specifically what he did and why it worked. His response was simple: “I didn’t even realize I was doing that.”

That is the point. People do not always know what they are doing well, at least not in a way that helps them repeat it.

So why do we hold back?

Part of it is how the brain is wired. It is constantly scanning for risk, especially in social situations. Even offering a simple compliment triggers a quick internal check. Will this be awkward? Will it be misunderstood? That hesitation is not weakness; it is biology. Add in a busy, high-pressure environment, and the brain defaults to task completion over relational moments. Even when you notice something positive, saying it feels like an extra step, and extra steps often get dropped.

There is also a consistent miscalculation. We tend to underestimate how much our words matter. What feels small to you can be significant to someone else. Because of that, the brain labels it as low value, and the moment passes.

But something shifts when you do tell them.

When you put an observation into words, you are not just impacting the other person. You are shaping your own thinking. The brain strengthens what it encodes. Over time, you begin to notice more of what is working, more of what is effective, more of what deserves attention. You train your brain to look for success, not just problems.

It also changes how people perform. Behavior that is recognized is more likely to be repeated. When you call out effort, strategy, or decision-making, you reinforce those patterns without needing to instruct or correct. You are shaping performance through attention.

And there is a personal benefit most people overlook. Focusing on what others are doing well helps regulate your own state. It shifts you out of constant evaluation and into a more stable, constructive mindset. Subtly, it improves how you experience your own day.

The challenge is that most environments are built in the opposite direction. Communication becomes efficient and focused on what needs to be fixed. Over time, it creates a culture that is loud with correction and quiet with appreciation.

Not because people do not see what is good, but because they do not say it. The opportunity is simple. Close the gap between what you think and what you say. If you notice something, say it.

Not as a tactic. Not as a performance. Just as a consistent habit of reinforcing what matters. Because the world is not lacking in positive thoughts.

It is lacking in expressed ones.

Tell them.

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